Imperfection

This is probably the most vulnerable thing that I have ever written in my entire life. Vulnerability is not something that I’m really good at because I don’t want to be seen as a weak person. After all, I’m Emily, I can easily take any blow that life hands to me and it won’t even affect me. LIES! Lies that I have told myself for a long time!  The truth is that things hurt me in deep ways, deeper ways than I am able to show to other people. Most of you who are reading this know how difficult the past 2 months have been for me….it’s actually been quite devastating for me. I have been hurt deeply, but if I’m honest with myself, most of that hurt came as a result of my actions. I was watching an interview with Pink the other day, the things that she said in that interview stuck out to me so much because I related to them. When Oprah asked her what her breakup taught her she said: “I am usually the one that’s calling the shots, with one foot out the door. This song is very humble for me, it’s very apologetic, and understanding, questioning and begging. I don’t do that.  I was pretty sure I was perfect before that breakup and I spent 6 years trying to change someone else and I think that was a great distraction for me to not really have to look at myself. See what I had to change in me. My dad said that if you can think of 20 things that you want in a person and then make sure that you have all of those….and I didn’t so…It was very humbling for me. I’m not perfect, close, in relationships. It needed to happen for both of us.”

While I wasn’t in a relationship, I made a lot of terrible mistakes the past couple of years. I lost one of my best friends. I lost my sense of perfection. I lost my sense of control. I lost a lot of self respect. I hurt some people very deeply as a result of all of this. At the same time I got hurt deeply. I’m not sure if you ever faced a situation in which you cared so greatly for another person that you held on so tightly…I thought that letting go would be giving up on that person or it would be defeat or apathy. In the end, I learned that giving up (even when forced too) is a true demonstration of strength. If you love something, then you let it go. As cliché as it sounds. When you let something go, it has room to bloom and grow because it gets the air that It needs to be free. And ultimately, when you love something, you want it to be free. You don’t want it to be strangled and choked.

Basically, this is me owning up to my own imperfections. I have not yet arrived. While I’m neither as bad nor as good as people say, I am what I am. So the next time that you hear something bad about me, I ask that your response to what you hear would merely be: “I’m sorry that she hurt you so deeply and she is sorry that she hurt you so deeply.” Because whether what is said it true or false, it is still very real to them. I own up to my actions and as a result I have to face those consequences. I hope that one day I get the chance to share these thoughts with the one person that I hurt the most. I can tell you that today, I’m going to work on me. Please be patient with me. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” ~1 Peter 4:8~

With Love,
Emily