All of our lives are on different paths, attitudes change everyday, there is always something new in the house to talk about in regards to "love" and what one may think currently of their current standing among the men (errr... boys) in their life. Everyone seems to know what direction they want to go... but they all tend to not follow that paths they have chosen. I have never seen so many strong intelligent woman making so many errors in judgement (myself included). It all brings me to believe that maybe my old self was not so bad. Maybe the girl who was cynical and treated guys like dirt was not so bad. She was not open enough to be hurt. She never had to feel anything except the next guy in line appreciating her when the last one disappeared. They were like dust in the wind. Sand in her hand. She knew the tighter she held on the quicker they would leave. So she didn't try to hold on... let them go before they let you go. But... when is too much too much. Why would I want to treat someone to the way I've been treated?
Maybe it's just late and my thoughts are rambling. Maybe this last month has been harder on me than I choose to admit to myself or anyone else around me. Time moves on, I move on, but when I stand back and look I feel like I haven't made it anywhere but circled back to where I started years ago. It's like the same circles over and over it's just that some are bigger (longer) than others. Like I said maybe I'm tired. Maybe it's easier to type my feelings in a blog than let them resonate in my head. Maybe it's better to type them than to say them out loud.
Tomorrow is a new day and so is the one after. I will continue to pretend to be happy and pretend that I'm excited my life is going a new direction. Maybe if I keep pretending I'll start to believe it a little more. I don't lie to myself really. I believe what will be will be and what has been done is done. I don't intend to start the circle all over again.
This girls in this house suck at following their own advice... I'm including myself ladies so don't be mad at me. I hear this everyday... "You deserve better... you are beautiful... quit thinking about him and think about yourself... you are strong so stay that way... don't touch the..." Nevermind the last one but still good advice :) Maybe this blog is too sad. Maybe it's too much info. Maybe it's too personal. Maybe people will read it and say,"whatever she's just sad". It is and I am but I also make it a point to laugh everyday, to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself I'm beautiful, to tell myself I deserve to be happy. HAPPY. This is ridiculous. Now jump up and down. Spin in a circle. Say yipyipaeiyea and you will never have worries again. It works... really it does... you just got to say it right.
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