I just had a Huck Finn moment.

Everybody's read the Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. It's Twain's celebration of the "good-bad boy," a glorification of those in society who yearn to usurp authority while still maintaining an overall semblance of goodness, and a poignant dart directed towards those who cling to their hidebound moralism.

Despite the intellectual pain he's caused me the last few months, I still love Huck. Who wouldn't love a scrappy, orphaned boy who wears rags that flutter in the wind, spouts curse words at will, and rolls along with the vicissitudes of life . . .

. . . until he has a moment when he realizes that the vicissitudes of life are not okay?

Huck, who keeps the company of a runaway slave throughout the novel, is overcome with guilt. After all, by associating with Jim, he is breaking the law. Dutifully confessing his sin, Huck writes a letter to the slave's rightful owner, explaining his misdeeds and relaying Jim's whereabouts, thus betraying his confidence.

But then, in a climactic moment in the novel, Huck tears up the letter: you can't pray a lie, he says, then he exclaims, "All right, then, I'll go to hell!"

Today, I too tore up a letter. The letter explained all of the right things somebody else should do with their life; the letter was full of my own moralizing and my own double standards. Then I thought to myself, I can't pray a lie. . .

As many do, Huck recognizes and hates hypocrisy. However, as many are, Huck is full of contradictions. Though he is not always honest, he is delightfully authentic. He forsook doing what was "right" to do the "right thing." I guess that's a difficult line to draw, and we all have flaws. So then, what's the use of one flawed person telling another flawed person he has flaws? We all contradict ourselves to some degree-- it's part of being human. But I guess the core of the matter is the condition of our heart. Huck's heart was good despite his "bad." My heart was "bad" despite my "good" intentions. Life is intertwined with an interesting assortment of binaries, no?

Anyhow, I guess I'm going to tear up this blog now, but I've wasted too much time writing it. Plus, I felt good and all washed clean of sin for the first time I had ever felt so in my life, and I knowed I could pray now.